so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
