i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
