Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
did i just pee glitter
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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