before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
