Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
