Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
