the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
