You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
