And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
