My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
