Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
