I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
