Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
