Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
