K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Blood and glitter go together right?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
