i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
this hospital has no fireball
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
