There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
