That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
