Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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