Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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