If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
