So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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