My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
