i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
