Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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