you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
