Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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