I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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