getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
