It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
