Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he shaved USA in his pubs
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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