the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
