its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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