You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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