I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
