It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I will pee on everything he values.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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