Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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