Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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