Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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