Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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