My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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