goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
