Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
