you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
