just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
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