If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
