A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
