It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
