she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
