I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
