Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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