Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
