I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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